Wednesday, July 12, 2006
Your With Me, ESPN
It being a slow sports day and all I thought I'd take the time to go off on none other than the Worldwide Leader itself, ESPN (Entertainment and Sports Programming Network. I didn't know it either, that's what Wikipedia is for).
First, does anyone like Chris Berman? Anyone? If you answered yes I want you to, take the mouse in your hand, put it in the upper right hand corner on the big x, and click it (never come back either). What does this guy, ESPN's highest paid anchor btw, really do? I'll tell you exactly what he does, he shows up at the HR Derby (back, back, back, we fucking get it), announces the picks before the commissioner can make it to the podium at the NFL draft (and turns down kids for autographs), makes up stupid nicknames, occasionally rears his ugly head on Sports Center, ruins NFL Countdown / Primetime on Sundays and on top of all that, uses awful pick up lines. If those aren't crimes against humanity I want to know where we are currently drawing the line... This guy and Kenny Mayne should be strapped into a rocket and shot into the Sun... Get out of our lives. The thought of this guy wondering around Pittsburgh, going up to ladies and saying, "Your with me, leather," makes my skin crawl. Berman is that friend that keeps on hanging around even though no one likes him and gets made fun of all the time. He brings nothing to the table, ruins the mood of the group and creeps people out (aka a night killer). Berman and Mayne should be put on Outside the Lines Nightly so I never have to hear anymore of their mind numbing banter (could you imagine that show? It would be something they would've shown to Alex in A Clockwork Orange).
Second, what's with all the puff pieces on Sports Center over the past 6 months? It's getting border line ridiculous how often they are airing pieces (especially this week with the special "My Wish" segments, nauseating theme song included *barf*) that make me want to put a 12-gauge against the side of my head. When I'm going to bed / waking up in the morning I don't want to hear about a girl with cancer and a weird haircut going to a Mariners game / some little boy meeting Jeff Gordon (who the hell wants to meet Jeff Gordon anyway?), it's just depressing. Don't get me wrong, It's great what they do for these kids and it's ok to run these every once in a while (maybe), but I'm really sick of the constant barrage they are laying on us, the hardcore sports fan. I want to meet an ESPN executive sometime, follow him into the bathroom with a group of cronies, knock him to the ground and say, "Hi, you're going to call off your "My Wish" segments on Sports Center. You're going to publicly state that there are going to be no more puff pieces on Sports Center. Or... These guys are going to take your balls, and send one to the New York Times, one to the LA Times press release staff. Look, the people you are after are the people you depend on. We watch your shows, we buy your products. We guard you while you sleep. Do not... fuck with us," well maybe not that whole "guard you while you sleep" part (that was adapted from the fight club bathroom scene, just so you people don't go and call the authorities on me). Do the people who are heading up this operation actually think we care about hearing these things? I don't come into their bedrooms at 7 am talking about all the shitty things that are happening in my life.
Lastly, why does the NBA, David Stern, and ESPN feel the need to continue the WNBA assault on this nation. Newsflash: no one wants to watch women's sports, especially when the majority of those women are sweaty, disgusting looking and most likely gay, not that there's anything wrong with that (Sure Bird and a select other are hot and heterosexual). If I want to watch your "fundamental" (aka bad) basketball I'll watch college hoops. They actually had the WNBA skills competition on SC this morning, which consisted of not only doing chest passes through a hoop but also bounces passes, oooooo. I mean the NBA has been running life support, with Stern and ESPN tag teaming mouth to mouth for 10 years now. Give it up and stop making us suffer (and now God will saddle me with a baby girl as my first child).
Only 5 days till NCAA 07 (aka Madden 07 appetizer) for 360. If anyone cares to challenge me online give me your email address and I'll send you my XBOX live name.
I would've said something about Steven A. Smith as well, but well that would be too easy (In my best Steven A. Smith yelling / trying to make a point at the end of a sentence voice).